Cont'd... (Method)

Well, I promised the full explanation of thorough pill extraction, so please see below...

I will be documenting my Christmas preparations for you, my adoring fans, in the coming days, so stay posted, always and fairyever.

Method:

1. When the ball of peanut butter is presented, grip it with your teeth. DO NOT let the ball touch your tongue! Even the lightest smack of peanut butter will send you into an uncontrollable licking fit that will inevitably end in a taste disaster. Control is key.
2. With the ball firmly gripped, tip over the potted plant [if your Mummi doesn't have a REAL potted plant, you will have to be creative]. Put lots of force into it so that the spread of dirt is as wide and long as possible. For pill extraction to be successful, it must take your owner at least six minutes to clean up the mess [diagram not shown here].
3. While your owner is distracted with the plant, drop the ball on a clean surface. Kitchen or bathroom tiles work best. Spread the peanut butter in a straight line with your paw until the pill is revealed. Don't worry about peanut butter getting stuck in your paw. It makes for an excellent licking experience later [diagram not shown here].
4. Again, using only your teeth, carefully pick up the pill. Drop the pill into the warm water and vigorously splash the water until it is completely dissolved. DO NOT dissolve a pill in your water bowl as the taste may embed itself on the lining and permanently ruin future drinks for you. Toilets are ideal for dissolving pills since the water supply is regularly flushed, but pools and hot tubs work, as well.

Dissolving the pill is essential to the process, as it is the only way to ensure your owner won't try to give it to you again. Simply hiding the pill allows for the possibility of your owner finding it and making you ingest it without the aid of peanut butter. The pill must be destroyed. After you've accomplished this final step, return to your peanut butter spread and enjoy.

Excerpt

Here is an excerpt from my new favorite book: Dangerous Book for Dogs.

One of the most wonderful sounds in the world is that of a peanut butter jar being unscrewed. With a splendid mixture of stickiness, nutty flavor, and an aroma that lingers on your tongue for days, peanut butter might be the perfect food. But its deliciousness can be easily abused. Due to its unique viscosity, many owners will hide revolting medicine deep in the core of a peanut butter ball. How do you know if your peanut butter has a pill inside of it? Take this simple test. Is your owner giving you peanut butter? If the answer is yes, then the chances are good that there is a pill in it.

Pills come in a variety of flavors, including horrible, terrible, awful and repulsive [good example: my tummy tabs, which Mummi feeds me every morning]. Accidentally biting a pill hidden in the peanut butter will utterly ruin what should be one of the greatest gastronomic experiences you will ever have. Plucking out a pill is a delicate art that requires patience and great dexterity, but the effort is worth it.

Since the process of pill extraction is somewhat time consuming, do a quick sight test to see if your owner might simply be having a moment of weakness and is giving you "people food" for nonnefarious reasons. If it's around 2 a.m., your owner is wearing nothing but his underwear, and is staring vacantly into the refrigerator, you might be getting some pill-free PB.

The moment peanut butter is presented to you in a molded ball form, be careful. Research indicates an over 99.99 percent likelihood that spherically delivered peanut butter holds a nasty surprise. [diagram not shows here].

To remove a pill from peanut butter you will need:

1. a hard, clean surface
2. an accessible potted plant
3. water, preferably warm, definitely not from your water bowl.

To be continued... I will share the exact method for extraction in tomorrow's blog.